04/02/2004 - 1:03 p.m.

Only for Now

I'm taking a Vocal Production class this semester which is required by my major, and it is kicking my ass. I have left every single class in tears, except the very first one. The problem is that this is so difficult to explain, because it's something that most people would probably love. As Scott, the instructor, says, "What a wonderful profession we're in. What did you do today?, Oh, I took some time to breath, and some time to stretch." And for me it isn't wonderful, it's always horrible, or it hurts, or it's uncomfortable...

I'm not into Yoga, I never have been. That's about a third of the class. It's supposed to return us to a state of breathing we had as children. Now, I don't know about the habits of the youth of today, but I know as a kid I never sat around contemplating how the touch of my hands felt against each other. I certainly never did habitual exercices to change my biochemistry. I certainly wish I knew how it was doing that. I hate this whole- "guess what, we fiddled with the way you work, but damned if we'll tell you how we did it! HAHAHAHAH!" I quote Paul McCartney on drugs, "It's like this funny little thing inside you that changes you, and it's like you can never get back home again." I don't want that. Golden Slumbers, man, Golden Slumbers.

It would seem to me that the very fact that you are worrying about the problem, you are not making anything better for yourself. Living as a child will make you a child. But, whatever, it must work for people who have forgotten to be children.

Another class that is required for my major is Movement. This is, under my defination, a million times worse than Vocal Production. Why is it Vocal Production if it's just another movement class? Well, we're being told that the voice is changed by movement, voice and movement are the same thing because they are all based in breath.

I can't do this. I'm having enough difficulty with this class. So, I'm considering changing my major from Theatre Performance to a General Theatre major. Then I can take any classes I want, and still graduate. How cool is that? I can take Acting classes, and I can take Drawing and Rendering and get graded to sketch every day, and I can take theatre ed classes, if I want, and play with kids for a grade.

It's probably better for me, because I do love all aspects of theatre, and this will give me a chance to play with all of them, and then maybe I can add on an English major too.

I only just came up with this yesterday, but Nathan's been trying to get me to do it since last year. I think he feels he ought to be given more credit for this than I may have shown him he gets.

Speaking of him, for Valentine's Day, I bought him tickets to some country group that's coming to the area, and I promised I'd go with him. Well, it's either a Valentine or an anniversary present, probably both considering the cost of the tickets. I don't know how much I really want to go, but what little I've heard from the band isn't too horrible. I think the opening acts are going to be, but Nathan would've given anything to go to this concert, so I'll go with him.

I still need to mail in my camp application. I'm frightened to. I don't know how I'll feel if I get rejected. I don't know what I'll do with my summer if I get rejected. I might try and apply at some theatre camp or something, but there aren't any in Iowa, and I don't have the means to get to another state.

I need to learn to drive. I have little more than a year to learn before I have to take the permit test again.

I really don't need to grow up and move on in my life. I need to fiddle with things in my life so that it all comes out the way I want it to work. If only.

My brother introduced me to Avenue Q over the holidays. It's not exactly a Sesame Street parody, but it's a musical with puppets and it's about growing up and suceeding after college. It leaves me with mixed feelings, because parts of it are very depressing, but at the same time, it's very hopeful.

There has been a lot of hope recently, it seems, in the theatre and cinema. We're disappointed by the lack of flying cars and space travel in the new millenium. We figured that by now we'd be here, and now we're depressed about it, so we're hoping things will get better sooner or later.