21/12/2001 - 5:46 p.m.

Story of my life.

Well, as Ren knows, yesterday night was, er, interesting. For those of you who don't know, well, you're going to find out and there's probably going to be a communal gasp, followed by a little laugh.

As mentioned in the previous entry, things were very wonderful at my house. It's a long and stupid story that I won't get into, but it ended two hours later with my mother screaming at me to get out of the house. I looked at her and asked her what she'd do if I did and she goes "I'd be happy." So, I up and left. Took my hooded sweatshirt, scarf, and wallet and walked out of the house: 8:45. I walked off west intent on catching a bus out of DM and off to I don't know where but I was vaugely considering Chicago. I was pissed off and not at all willing to spend the rest of my vacation or my life with these people if they can't even be slightly civil to me for the simplest of things- and if they can't be civil (I reason) why should I?

I wondered what the hell I was going to do if I decided to stay in DM. I couldn't remember Stimpy's last name to call her, and Brandy had gone to Indiana, Abby's Glawe's daughter, and well, who else was there? Ren, of course, but I didn't really want to bother her- not a Ren type situation really.

I walked down past the capitol to the river (which is about ten long blocks from my house). I'd never seen the river at night. I've been to Paris, I've been to London, I've seen Vienna, but I'd never seen the DM river at night in the city I've lived in my whole life.

I thought then that I'd better make sure Ren doesn't try to call my house tomorrow about Fellowship on Saturday, since I wasn't planning on being there, but I thought I might still be able to see the movie if I went about it the right way. I decided that maybe I could just get a hotel room, see the movie and then leave. If that was the case, they could maybe meet me at the library. (The downtown library opens at ten, by the way.) So, I passed that and wondered how in the world I could call Ren and what time it was.

I decided to go to the Greyhound station, another four blocks west and the same north. Upon arriving, I found out you can't get anyplace on thirty bucks, and there was a long line behind each of the phones, and so decided to go to the Best Western by the freeway. One more block north and four blocks back east.

At this point I was extraordinarily glad that it's been a curiously warm winter. If it was snowy, I'd've never considered it. Made it to the hotel and called Ren, and talking to her brought me to my senses that really, there's no place I could go, and it just wasn't feasible to think there was anything I could do, as a girl alone with nothing more than a little money. If I was going to go back, I might as well do it tonight than wait. All my thanks for rationalness, Ren. At that point it was about ten twenty.

Took the same route home that I'd started out on. Got to my block at, I assume, 11:50 to see the car gone and the porch light on. The bitch was very glad I'd come back. She didn't think I'd have it in me to go in the first place. They figured I was out sulking in the yard- until ten minutes later they couldn't find me.

I would just like to say- there was no love in this that brought me back, and no desire for them to suffer. It was all purely based on the hopelessness of the situations that drove me to leave and then to go back again. I don't plan on doing it again, after a couple more times there are things they can do, and I don't think I'll need to. This time has been about five years in coming.

Nothing's been said, but I'm pretty sure I'm not allowed of the house again, and if things spoken before I left stand, I'm not allowed to stay after school any more either. (So, you know, not like I had anything to lose when I left, what more were they gonna take away, ban me from using pencils?) So, yeah.