09/01/2002 - 6:33 p.m.

What if life were made of moments?

I have this feeling that all that happy lovey dovey Christmas feeling/New Year's alchol has finally worn off, and everybody's turning back to realise that all is not good with the world and finals are coming along with imminent doom, or something. Try as I might, things just seem suckier and suckier and yeah...

I got an e-mail from Steph. It's a funny thing, hero worship. All of that particular senior class that I had addresses for got Christmas cards, but Steph actually wrote back so I kept writing to her. (In my eyes, it takes very little to make you soar from idol to goddess.) Very very rarely did I speak to her while she was actually here, sixth and seventh hour sometimes her senior year, and at rehearsals for Pink Panther or Into the Woods every now and again, and I think it's so really amazing of her to bother writing back to me. I hope it's not like me with campers: yeah, I write to 'em, but it's hard to think of things to say and I don't much care that I'm writing it. But hearing from her serves as a reminder of the sort of person I want to be, but just, am not. It's a reminder of all the stuff I need to be doing at this very moment that I'm not, because I don't know why.

At this moment, I should be working on the scene for Abby and I, I should be redoing my French homework (if she's not gonna collect it yet I might as well do my best to work out what the directions are talking about? and start my Napoleon paper, and do my math homework, and write, and finish all those books I'm in the middle of, and then work out what I'm going to do with the rest of my life.

That would be my recurring theme, but damnit, it keeps changing. Basically, my mother is doing her best to say "you're not going to college in Chicago" without flat out saying it, so I guess I won't be, and I guess I'll end up at UNI.

It wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for Shiloh and Jess going there. Jess I could deal with, I could care less anymore, and he's in the art department (last I knew). But, I know Shiloh's in the theatre department, and unless she were to leave next year, I'm just going to feel like I'm following her around. I know, I'm not acting, but I've always sort of felt like I was forcing myself to compete with her- what's she got that I don't? kind of thing. Well, the answer is style, charisma and talent. I just think it'd be weird.

Well, I guess I'll just go ahead and fill all their stuff out. I mean, it's cheap, it's Cedar Falls, it's Iowa, it's Iowans. It'll be nice and safe, and it'll please people. It's not what I want, but since I don't know what that is, I guess I have to do with what I can manage in the time I get.