04/11/2001 - 4:53 p.m.

Rationalisation

I remembered the point of my last night's entry in a dream last night (don't ask, because I certainly can't explain). The point was- it really ticks me off that I work so hard at things and other people are content to show up until they stop getting what they want and then they give up. Maybe that's just me feeling obligated to do things for others, but I hate people who never do anything charitable unless it'll show up on their resume as a "good thing they did". It's never for the good of something else, it's for the good of them.

I'm willing to let other people have their moment even if I can't have mine, and I never thought that a bad thing, but maybe I'm wrong. I mean, I really wanted everyone to do well, because they were cast: even if that's not what I wanted, I still wanted them to do well, and if I could do anything helpful to that end, I was going to do it. And other people don't. They could care less about how things go just because it's not them, and that bothers me. That's like all those seniors getting pissed off about Pink Panther simply because it wasn't the show they wanted to do. That's like TD who beleives that crew work is a waste of time. These are words from his own mouth which I have heard. He may take them back just as anyone else might have to.

Now, I know I've said things to that effect before "if I'm not cast as a lead in the spring show, that'll be it", but I seriously don't think I could do it. I really want to get cast, but I couldn't find it in me not to do crews or not to take a miniscule part if I had the opportunity, because well, I couldn't do that. I would end up regretting not having been in the show, even if I hated every single last person in it, because there was nothing I could do, and I would see that if I sat in the audience and watched the show suck: "I didn't do anything to help this, and I think it sucks. What right do I have to say they suck if I wouldn't even have anything to do with it that might have made it better?".

That's one of the things that really bothers me about Thespian meetings right now- there's nothing that I can see to do to make anything better. I can't reverse the things that are happening, and I don't like that. In the show, maybe I couldn't teach anybody to sing, but I could show up and make sure Josie got her clothes on so that at least that part worked. I guess it's living out the cliche that every part does make a difference, but maybe it's because I want so much to believe that it does, that I try to make it work. As long as I tell myself that I matter, I can. So, really, what bothers me is that others can't find it in themselves to see that they matter, and they are content to leave believeing that. I wish they'd give it another chance, they might be surprised someday at how much difference they can make, how much they do make anyway.