08/04/2002 - 6:34 p.m.

So I'll continue to continue to pretend

Right, so I went to see Jimmy for IHSSA All State. Andy was right, the boy deserved it. I have to admit, I feel rather proud of Jimmy today.

They were mistaken, Shiloh hasn't transferred, it was Callie (and she went to UNI). So, let's see, I'll have Jess, Shiloh, Callie and Joanna all at school with me next year. Oh yes, this I cannot wait for. I'm absolutely terrified- listening to Jess talk to T and Glawe, I have no idea what I'm getting myself into. There was about twice that I just wanted to burst in to tears and forget all about college entirely. I don't understand it at all. Of course, we know me, I'm terrified of stupid things, so who knows.

According to Jess, the scholarship I got is exceedingly good, so I feel slightly better about that. I shouldn't value his words so highly. I know that, but man, being around him is the personification of me banging my head into walls and chanting "stupid! stupid! stupid! stupid!" Not that I value his opinion or anything, no.

It was so weird, I talked to T Glawe and Jess all through lunch and then rode back with Starmey, Nick and Rachel. That was a mood change I'll tell you- went from discussing past alumni and college and shows and improv and IHSSA judging to talking about popular music, action movies, plastic surgery and bowel disorders. (I kid you not.) I wanted to trade seats with someone so I could continue conversation with to T and Glawe, but they were going to trade T so I gave that up, because it felt rude to say: "No, I want some grown-up conversation. Could you just leave so I can have it, please?" Although, I know that it's more my listening in than my participating in adult conversation with them, so then everybody else feels the need to talk to me.

I would gladly discuss theatre with T for as long as is humanly possible, but I do want Starmey's more flakey conversations to end eventually. I didn't realise it until I recognised the stark contrast between the two ends of conversation at lunch today. I've found I'm much more suited to substance. I guess that follows why I appreciate Patrick so much: sappy stupid conversation only goes so far with me; I'd really rather talk about things that matter.

So, yes, it was a rather different sort of day, and I'll be back at school again tomorrow. Not that I much want to be. 35 days.