10/11/2001 - 11:14 p.m.

And the winners are...

Let's see, um, Marnie and Amber placed first for duo, Charles and Jimmy placed second, Leslie, Anna, and Brittney placed first for group musical, Joanna placed second for mime, Andy and Christina placed second for musical duo, oh, er, TD placed fifth for monolouge and Andy (Ren's Andy) placed second!!! Erin placed second or third or something for solo musical, Adeya placed for monolouge, but I don't remember what place (maybe it was fourth in the other center), and Sarah (who I have never seen before in my whole life...) placed fourth for monolouge.

Charles and Phoebe got scholorships. I wish it could've been Andy though, cause that boy needs somebody to get him to restore some faith in himself. Between All State and his Mom and a bunch of other things, the boy at least knows he can sing.

Well, that's more than you could say for me at the moment.

I don't want to go there.

Apparently (and I know this 'cause Glawey was adjudicating), they wanted all five of us from Roosevelt, but they couldn't take all of us because Glawe was one of the judges- reasonable. And so they picked the best of the five of us (Chuck and Phoebe), and a couple of other people. So, basically, I just lost to Phoebe, which I have no problem with, and both of us know that. The girl's an organisation queen, she was totally prepared, she really wanted it, she really deserved it, absolultely GO PHOEBE!!

I have no problems and I'm not bitter. I know how tough it was for Glawe- in the end, I believe she just told them she wouldn't give a final decision on who of us would get it. She hates casting shows with a passion, I really don't know why she did this to herself. I wouldn't have.

So, I haven't exactly talked to her yet- I got all that from Andy and Phoebe on the bus afterwards. I don't really want to talk to her about it- it's over now, I'm OK, no problem.

But, at the same time, I've got this bloody internal monolouge going on in my head (seriously, I should get a tape recorder, tap it into my brain permenantly, and put the results of that up here) and it's telling me that really I'm lying to myself and this is a big deal and that I'm seriously let down by this and really, am I any good at anything? So, maybe I haven't exactly decided what I think- but I'm no worse off than I was before.

The one great big mundo question is: How the hell am I supposed to do this for a living if I can't even do it in high school??? See, playwrights get money (when they've no royalties to collect) by sending in things and getting grants to write, and if they suck, they don't get the grant. I don't want some other job. I mean, yeah, I could certainly be a camp counselor for the rest of my summers, but what about the other nine months of the year?

Basically, I'm looking for a, damn, I can't even remember the word. It's when the gods come down in a Greek play and make everything turn out all right in the end at the very last minute. You know, whatever.

I know I just need to tell myself the exact same things I tend to direct towards other people- "You are good at what you do. You are so incredible. Why do you think you're worse than everybody else on the planet just because once or twice you don't get what you hope to get?" I mean, that's basically it. I'm not any "worse" than Phoebe, but she's extraordinarily fantastic at what she does, and therefore deserves it a whole lot better, and I know that. Backstage stuff goes so well that you don't have to even think about it getting done, it just happens, and it's thanks to Phoebs and a lot of other really magnificent techies (I love techies just the same as actors, and I know it sounds trite, but it's because I'm really sitting on the fence with this playwriting thing- I know that, careerwise, I'll never go get out the duct tape, same as I'll never have to try learning lines the night before the show, but if I had the opportunity to do either, I probably would.).

Right now, I say Major in Theatre Studies, which is one step up from Undeclared, basically. It's not Acting, Tech, Musical Theatre or Theatre Ed.- it's all the people who suck too much to do all that but still love it, and so decide to become (and I just heard of this profession today) theatre psychologists, or music therapists. (Ha ha, "the-rapist", I can't have spelled that right...) And directors, too, I guess.

So, if I listen to myself, I'm perfectly fine, if I listen to my internal monolouge, I'm screwed. Thing is, I want to hear myself's opinions from somebody else, and not just any old somebody else either.

I don't want to go down this line of conversation though.

So, other Festival stuff... I don't know what I think of "The Fantasticks". I think I want to see a different version. I've decided that Arthur Miller uses the same theme in all his plays, and also that I hate him. I loved "John Lennon and Me"; I won the long sleeved shirt from the silent auction!

Some moron pulled the fire alarm. We spent twenty minutes or so outside. Maybe more.

Leslie didn't get State Board, which is unfortunate. I was certain she was the type of person they wanted to stand and make announcements at Festival and look pretty in a sparkley dress. They do more than that, but that's the role WE see them in, and they know that, and pick people who can fit that bill.

I would just like to say something along the lines of the amount of respect I have for Glawe, in light of some comments. She can't come down on our level and be rude- that's how she can get fired. If I were her I know that I'd be absolutely more two-faced over than I am now. It takes so much to do her job, and to keep in perpective what you're doing and know that you're hurting people, but also know that you're doing what you feel is best. That's difficult. I'm glad she's doing it rather than me.

I have lots more to say, but I am seriously seriously tired. I think my brother's gone to bed anyway, so the TV's just on in the next room. I'd better go turn it off.