11/03/2002 - 8:39 p.m.

I'm empty and aching and I don't know why

Moulin Rouge comes tomorrow! I'm a little obsessive, but, hey, it's Ewan McGregor and the Moulin Rouge and music and fabulousness. Cannot wait to see that movie again.

You think this is bad? Wait until Fellowship comes out on video.

I do not want to have to go to school on Friday. I got cheated out of my good time and I want recompense. I know, I know, I'm being terribly idealistic, which is what got me in this mood in the first place, but- I can't help it! I make plans and I think to myself, hey this could work and be a lot of fun, and then... everything jumps up and goes: hahahahah, that's what you thought! Can I help it that I hate being stuck here in stupid old Iowa trying to make it to the post every two weeks?

Not that I manage that, of course. I still need to go, but no one else wants to go, so I have to wait, because it's not urgent and as in deadline for scholarship urgent. Of course, I tend to think that maintaining my sanity is important and urgent, but...

I know, I'm making about as much sense as a rabid giraffe, but, why can't the things I want most in the world happen to me? How come Austin's at rehearsal and he still won't stop calling me the anti-christ? I'd like to know what I ever did to him- first of all, that was middle school, and he was the one who did any sort of heart-wrenchingly cruel things. I admit, when he brings it up, I rub it in, but you'd think he'd be over it by now. It's been seven years!

Er, anyway, my point is- why is it that when my present isn't working out the past has to come up behind me and giggle menacingly?

Why are the powers that be torturing me?

Am I a bad person?

Is this karma?

Should I be doing more homework?