19/10/2001 - 11:05 p.m.

The American Dream and Other Stories.

When you hear about divorce, you always hear about the kid beleiving it's their fault, even though it's not. (OK, I admit that is a weird beginning, but I have got an analogy.) Well, that's sort of how I feel about this whole Afghanistan thing- like it's all our fault or something. I mean, it is our fault that we made the universe despise us, but it's not our fault that somebody else went all out in pointing that little fact out to us. So, in a way, I feel personally responsible when I read things about life going all to hell in countries who've just said that they were our friends. I didn't know the anthrax was a threat any place else. It makes me so infinitely sad... It's not England's fault, it's ours, but they're paying for it too, with anthrax and shit. Makes me feel awful. That's odd: the initial event doesn't bother me, the deaths don't bother me, the other shit here doesn't bother me much, but the idea that we're making somebody else's life shit just because of their allegiance- I hate that.

I hate that this has become some huge monster deal. I hate that I am never going to escape being an American. For those people who don't know me, or haven't guessed, I really hate it here. The country's not so bad, but it's my conciousness of our extreme arrogance...

I once did a monolouge explaining that Americans are all ungreatful because basically "we are the grand children and great grandchildren of all the people who simply refused to sit and take whatever was dished out to them", so we got the hell out. This rebellious trend gets passed down, and you develop a race of stubborn people with hubris. (That's when you think you're greater than the gods.) How true. And, understanding that, I despise it, because I don't really enjoy being looked down on by the universe. I hope I'm blowing things out of proportion.

Ugh, let's leave this, shall we? It's horrid, and I don't want to talk about it. Like I've said, if this is my story, I refuse to tell it!

I bought movies today. You can find them for all of $5 around here because of the influence of DVD players. I'm terrified. I don't want to lose VHS like audio cassettes, and Beta, and 8-tracks, and records, and grammaphones... It's sad. But, since movies are cheap, I buy them whenever I see them. Today I got The Phantom Menace, A Fish Called Wanda, Mary Poppins, Finding Forrester, and Jekyll and Hyde, the musical. That is a pretty funny mix- the last two my mother picked out, she's a Sean Connery fan and she wants to see that show again (I'm convinced it won't be any good, but well...). As to Miss Poppins, I had never before realised how truly horrible that movie is. No wonder my Dad hates it. Dick Van Dyke really and truly does do a miserable accent, it makes me cringe to listen to him. Of course, it doesn't go with the book at all, which means excess glucose in my definition. I'm terrified to go buy another childhood Disney movie for fear that I'll realise how horrid it was- Alice in Wonderland for example.

Doctor Who is on. It's Peter Davidson, and he really is lovely. I like to watch the Tom Baker episodes better, but Peter Davidson is much more asthetically pleasing. All the other doctors can shove it, those are the only two worth watching, really. Though, from time to time Jon Pertwee and that short little fellow before him aren't SO bad. There are two doctors after Peter Davidson, and they suck monkeys. Anyway, I'm not going to go watch it because I've not seen the beginning to this story, and it never makes any sense to catch it in the middle. The cliff hanger doesn't help at all. And anyhow, Adric's gone. I like it best when it's Adric, him and Nissa (because I don't like Teegan- sorry Australia).

Well, as per usual, I'm busy. And, I'm tired, so adieu.

I just thought, that probably means with God, like the English Godspeed. Language is such a really interesting thing.