01/09/2001 - 2:18 p.m.

Auditions and Friends, a long diatribe.

Auditions. They are the bane of my existance. Proof that I suck. I know theatre is putting all that you are out on a stage to be seen and judged by all the world, so why can't I deal with that? I'm too chicken. No, I'm just not getting any idea of the things I am good at. Well, that's not true either. I'm apparently a writer. Of course, half the time I don't even want to be that. It's not something that you can make money at. But neither is theatre if you suck, which I do.

But for some reason, every year I drag myself up on stage and sing terribly and get put in the chorus and cry. And I'm gonna do the exact same thing on the 5th for Hello Dolly! I could tell you the cast list right now. I know Glawe says it doesn't work that way, but it's not too hard to sort out the talent from the not talent. Josie's gonna be Dolly, it's just gonna be like that. She's good and she can sing and she can do the part. I don't really think I could do Dolly, but I'd love to do her songs. I suppose there's a chance they could give me Irene, but I think that Ren should get it- she can sing soprano if she likes. Abby or Brittany should get Minnie (even though Abby wants Ernestina, I think Amber'll get it).

Of course, if I don't get a big part, that means I can be in the One Act for Thespian Festival. Phoebe's directing the Varsity One Act this year, so T's doing Thespian Festival. I really want to be in another show with T directing. Good Times wasn't really fair to her- seriously.

What do I want to get into old greivences for? Nothing, that's what.

I think people each believe that they're worse off then they are when they're normal. So many of my friends go on about their miserable lives (me included), and they're some of the greatest people in the world. I think it's only the one's like Carin and Erin who HAVE messed up lives who don't think they do. You know, "Three out of four people is mentally unstable. Check three friends, if they're sane, you're it". So really, those of us who think life is miserable are normal. Hmmmm, that's kind of an interesting twist on normal.

But seriously, all my favorite people are the best people in the world. (OK, I think I'm starting a little shrine of all my friends now.)

Angel. I know that's not her real name, but it could be. She's smart, and great to talk to, and she is so incredibly nice. I'm so glad I got over being afraid of her (I don't know why) and got to know her. I wish she'd had more fun this summer. I wish everybody else hadn't been so hard on her for reasons I don't even understand.

Brandy is Brandy. She can be good or bad or hurtful, but she reminds me what life is. If I didn't have her, I don't know what my life at school would be like, because she's my closest friend. A lot of other people I know at school, but they never want to seem to have anything to do with me outside of that. I guess that's me, not them. But just the fact that I've got her makes me much less of an outcast at school. Plus, she needs me sometimes as much as I need her.

Elena is so fun, she always makes time for and remembers the things that really matter, and she does so incredibly well in school- NHS as a junior, somebody else must think she's pretty incredible too.

Ren is great. She's so sweet- I just think about the whole Nicki thing, and I know what a caring nice person she is. I've never heard anybody say a word against her. I think she doesn't like me anymore, (because of that whole goop in her purse thing, and I can accept that, even though it was an accident) but I admire her anyway.

Brittney is the most interesting person I know- level wise. She looks like this sort of ditzy cheerleader, but there is so much more to Brittney. She is really smart, really, and she has so much insight on so many different things, and then she can turn around and be the "coolest" person in the world. I mean, maybe you can only see one part at a time, but to be able to turn them on and off the way she does...

Stimpy was what I needed this summer. She was there to get me not to care about all the materialistic STUPID things that I center on during school. It was her and me and camp people, and who cared whether we looked stupid? I suppose that's all I need to be- a camp counselor year round and I'll be OK, but it's so hard when the rest of the world's fighting against you. M&M was a minority at camp, but even then, I don't think she's really as cheerleaderly as she makes out.

Patrick is the best thing to happen to me in a while. It's so great to have a friend without estrogen. I mean, that sounds stupid, but I don't have to act the way around him that I do around girls, and for some reason, he's OK with that. He's a great writer, and just a really great guy. Extremely good to talk to, not like girls who try to analyse and relate everything that you say back to sex. I have a distint lack of guys in my life, and even though he's in Chicago (that's about a three day's walk somebody once told me), he's doing pretty good. Wish he'd get e-mail so communication could go faster, though.

There are others, Beth, Pixie, Abby, Cosmos, Rich, Sarsparella etc., but I'm getting tired of writing, and I've been doing this particular writing for a long while now. Too many thoughts involved.