07/09/2001 - 6:41 p.m.

Down in the dumps.

Life is just so absolutely nul at the moment. I need something to stimulate me, not make me depressed or crazy. There's so much going on, but I can't find too much joy in most of it. I've gone from basically happy to completely miserable in one week. Hmmm, typical school syndrome again. I'm so glad it's Friday, but I have so much to do.

I wish the good people weren't always getting breaks. Why can't they run a show just for those of us that suck? Make the good people be techies or something. Everybody has an equal chance, I guess, but trying hard and being cast in a part that people won't make fun of you for are two completely different things no matter what Glawe says.

I am going to be in the Thespian One Act, I talked to Glawe, and apparently I can do both. I almost wish I couldn't so I could just leave the musical with some pride left, rather than wait until I'm hopelessly involved in choreography I don't understand at all. I just can't do it, that's all. Every time I've ever tried, I'm just hopelessly lost, or if I finally do learn it, I just look stupid. Grace and agility are not things I happen to posess.

All I want is something I can do. Something I don't suck at, and I guess it's writing, but there aren't any schools that let you just do that, you have to be something else too. Maybe I'll just skip college, rather than pay all that money, I'll just move out and start sending out plays. Who am I kidding? I probably ought to go to college for connections, and if that's the case, I sure as hell better not stay in Iowa. I need to go east.

I need to get out. I need to be happy again. I need to stop worrying about things. I need a long nap. I need to lose weight (148 is too much). I need to figure out my life. I need to hear from Patrick. I need to write. I need to live. I need too many things that I can't have because my life is so isolated.

True, I mean, the last place I went that wasn't the grocery store? The mall with my parents. The last time I went anyplace with people my age? The beginning of August when Pixie and I went to Wal-Mart. The last time I did anything with friends from school that wasn't actually school related? Em, well, nope, the last time I was over at Brandy's house was school related, so maybe the New Year's before that- 1999-2000? And that's what that was too, just me and Anna and her at her house for New Years. I can't invite anybody anyplace because my parents suck, and I never get out because when I get asked, I either already can't go, or my parents suck too much (like this weekend with Maria: who's Maria?, what are you going to do?, for how long?, why do you think you deserve to go?, are her parents going to be there?, why don't you call and find out more?). I mean, in the end, I never get to go anyplace that's not with school. But I so desperately want to.

I don't know what I should do with myself. But I know that wingeing, for all it feels great, does me nothing.