09/09/2001 - 3:27 p.m.

The men in my life (ha ha ha). A rather pathetic tale.

(I've come back to the beginning of this entry to offer a disclaimer and warn that I'm in a rather funny sort of mood. I'm on a completely different tangent than usual, and I'm downright silly towards the end. I suggest that, unless you're rather keen to learn all about my pathetic romantic side, you get out while you're ahead.)

I forget I haven't said anything about Rich yet. He needs an explanation because his existance in my life is a little bit messed up (well, that's what some people say). Basically, I met him eighth grade year at a Beatles trivia message board. He's a a fair amount older than me, but he's a really nice guy. I know what they say about meeting people on the Internet, but he's just basically my friend. Since he's older than me, but not too old to forget high school, he's great for advice. All the get out there and enjoy life because it's not gonna wait for you type speeches that I need to hear. Really nice to write to when I'm having problems that just need a third party, somebody who isn't involved at all. He's done his fair share of keeping me sane, I guess. So, that's who he is. I was reading through noticing that I've mentioned him a couple of times with no further comment.

You know, I haven't said anything about Jess in here yet either. That could be for the best, I mean, it's a good sign, but I'd still like to talk about him. Jess would be my idol, I guess you could say. He looks like Ewan McGregor, he acts like Ewan McGregor, he's funny, and he sings, and he's absolutely great, but he was three years older than me and gay. (That's one of the hazards of falling in love with guys in theatre, they're rarely interested in you.) I had a terrible thing for him from freshman year on. It was really bad. However, he graduated two years ago and went to UNI and he's kind of dwindled in my memory and I haven't thought about him since early July. I guess that means I'm over him, and I hope it means I'm interested in somebody else. (Well, I think I am anyway, but I'm not willing to talk about that yet.)

The only "relationship" in my life was such a huge joke that it embarrasses me. For some reason, total nerds always make friends with me: if nobody else likes them, they go to me. For some reason I seem to send out some aura that I have compassion for all things pathetic: animals, small children, and weirdos are drawn to me. The animals are the only ones I find a fondness in return for. (And small children to the point that I tolerate them, but don't want my own.)

Man, I can't even tell this story because I don't want to see it on paper. Let's just leave the subject alone, because well, the people who know, know, and the people who don't, probably don't really need to.

I'm looking for something different. Something not messed up. Something from a fairy book, really. Moulin Rouge: "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return." That's just what I want, and I know it's not at school. I think maybe it's someplace else- I've heard as much, and I would be willing to believe it and go for it, it's just him that I'm unsure of. I'm too unaccoustomed to this sort of thing to know what to do, except hope he does something.

I'm probably blowing something way out of proportion and basing it on things I'm only imagining from cryptic roundabout sillineses I've dreampt up, but well, Beatrice am I not. I am not interested in sitting with the bachelors in heaven merry as the day is long, but to requite thee, but than reportingly.

OK, I sense my state of sanity going right out the window in place of poetry and Shakespeare, so I'm going to quite and get a handle on my brain before I just go all ranty and swoony.