11/09/2001 - 9:47 p.m.

The inevitable.

I wasn't gonna talk about it. I don't want some sappy awful "this day will live in infamy" entry. Well, it's not, but I just can't avoid the whole thing because it's seriously the only thing going on.

Heard from Angel. She wasn't gonna tell me about her trip to Amsterdam. She'd better do it eventually, cause I certainly can't fly over there and hear about it. (And she thinks SHE'S saying things of bad taste.) I sent her this huge e-mail all about my opinions (which I'll get to), but I told her to write back something worth reading rather than a rehash of every news channel on the planet. The British are letting me down today: as soon as I vow not to watch any other television than the BBC, because I can trust it, then they go and send us the BBC World News. It is more interesting though. More disconnected and not so panicy, more like me.

Today was a waste of my time. I don't know why I got up and went to school today. First hour, I took a quiz touting the supremecy of the American economy. The irony is killing. From there the day took an obvious nosedive into boredom and the watching of the same footage over and over on television. Then they decided to cancel all the afterschool activities- I was sincerely pissed. I was looking foreward to the Thespian meeting and rehearsal as a chance to finally do something today. A great big thank you to the school board for wasting my entire day, because they knew nothing would be accomplished by keeping school in session. For some reason, I have all kinds of homework, though. Doesn't mean I've done any. I took a nap. Certianly couldn't watch television.

This wouldn't be a big deal except that it's America. I mean, didn't this happen in some middle eastern country a while ago? See, I don't even know which one: what a cocky American additude, "it doesn't matter until I'm involved". I don't want to be involved. As long as this type of thing happens all over the world and we turn a blind eye, I can turn one for this.

I have to tell the story of the moment I heard, because it's hilarious. During passing between 2nd and 3rd, my friend Brandy comes up and asks me about the announcement that they ran at 9 o clock. I didn't hear any announcement, I said, I had gym. She goes on to tell me the most impossible story I've ever heard, and I laugh. My friend Maria looks at me. I laugh again- I think that it's absolutely hilarious that we've finally had our great big cocky invincible bubble broken and that whoever did it did it BIG. Big enough that no one can say, "OK, well, yeah, we screwed up, but we can fix this". We screwed up big time. Obviously there are HUGE gaps in our system that allowed this to happen. I'm still laughing.

"We think that we're so big, the truth we never never twig (I think, maybe it's dig) and if some queers are gonna blow, I guess we never never know. But long before that day when we are burned away, let us take time to smile and swing a little while." That's Donovan, and the only reggae song I like. I think it's really apt.

For third hour, at nine thirty (Central), we go downstairs to the library and watch CNN. They show pictures show on television and it's the coolest thing. Everybody else thinks so too, or why haven't they shown more footage of the plane crash that didn't hit anything? The media knows how cool pictures of mass destruction are. Of course, I say so, and some girl tells me that I'm sick to think that people who die are cool. Well, I admit, I wasn't thinking of that. The deaths aren't my focus. Big deal. People die everyplace everyday: today we just happen to have a lot more deaths concentrated to one place.

Of course, all of the footage is covered with phrases that all remind me of passages from "The Long Dark Tea Time of the Soul", and I can't help but laugh at those. Everybody should read that book, an holistic point of view is a good one to know about to deal with this stuff.

In English class, Mr. Holcolmb reads poetry and tells us this is our Pearl Harbor, our Kennedy. For me, the day some asshole broke in and stabbed George Harrison was more tramautic. If this is my story, I don't want to be charged with telling it. I don't want this to be the "single defining moment" of my life. No. Let it be something of substance, not stupidity.

You know, with a different president, this never would've happened. I firmly believe it. The rest of the world already laughs at America, and they specifically laugh at him. What could be more fun for whoever did it than knowing they exposed us to ourselves?

They're worried about war now. How childish is that? Why do we respond with violence? Well, because we've got a Texas cowboy in charge of the country. Frankly, I don't trust him. I wish somebody else got a say in declaring war or not. (Maybe somebody does, I don't remember 8th grade government that well.)

So that's what I think. Yeah, I suppose it was awful and stuff, but it was a hugely hilarious wake-up call, and it tells the rest of the world who would like to follow suit to try it. It worked once.

I would also like to mention my feelings of stupidity towards those on the planes. I can't believe that nobody did anything that mattered. Terrorists don't let people live, and you don't get saved by Superman (or the government or angels, or whoever is supposed to save you from distaster) when you're isolated in an aircraft miles above the city. I can't believe that nobody was bright enough to realise that if nothing was done EVERYBODY was gonna die, and I can't believe that these same people weren't brave enough to say, "Hmmm, either a couple of us die and we save everybody else and avert tragedy, or we just let them do this because maybe then we'll be OK." Em, no, if they've got a plane, they're gonna do something that's gonna kill people! When you're screwed either way, isn't it better to go out doing something brave than doing nothing? They say stewardesses tried to do something, but they gave up. Why? People go to war and kill each other all the time- why could nobody do it when it mattered? That's what's scary, you see all those movies, Speed, etc., and somebody DOES something. What was wrong with the people on that plane that none of it sunk in? Why did nobody see this? That was my first thought when I heard civilians were on the planes. Why did they allow it to happen? Catch 22, but one of them's better than the other.

You know, I was in a pretty grumpy mood this past week or so. I mean, seriously just dissatisfied with everything. Oddly enough, this has cheered me up considerably. I've had a good giggle at the government and I'm OK now. Makes me feel much better.

People probably think I'm crass and horrible. Fine. I think you're overinvolved and sappy. You want to argue with me, argue with me. I know how I feel.