17/09/2001 - 6:01 p.m.

Morose

It has really not been my day. I can't dance and I can't act and I can't sing and I can't write to talk about it. I mean, I write, but I can't say what I want because I'm too afraid of writing what I really think I mean because I don't know what I mean. If I wrote just what I thought it would be so babbly nobody would get it.

Basically, I had rehersal and it's put me in a miserable frame of mind. I just, well, to be truly honest, I don't want to make a fool out of myself again this year. I did that last year, and I don't have enough will power to put myself through it again this year, but I'm also too chicken to talk to Glawe and actually get out. I want to, but I don't want to admit that I want to.

Also, I haven't exactly eaten today, apart from brownies that must've been poisoned because I wasn't feeling ill at all until I had them. Now I feel sick and awful.

I can't dance, and I don't want to learn, because I know me. I'm incapable. I've seen me dance with months worth of practice, it looks like shit because I don't understand how it works. I know I've mentioned this before.

I don't want to put myself through any more misery over this, but I think I'd be just fine if I wasn't busy worrying over a million other things. But, since I am, this last thing is, unfortunately, expendible. Math and Chemistry aren't. Which, I don't know why I'm worrying, so what if nothing registers in Chemistry, what's new? As soon as I don't try I'm bound to get better.

I don't know where I'm coming from anymore. I just want to get out of here and go and be extremely selfish for a while. Spend money on me for things that are nothing more than fun. Except that I don't know how to have fun. I don't know what I'd do if I was going to go and do something fun. I think librarys are fun places.

I am such a damn loser. But why am I letting it bother me? Because the rest of the world is having a good time and not worrying. What's the difference between them and me? I wanna know!

Somebody out there, please, make me care. Make me feel that I'm not absolutely wasting my time on this earth, because right now I am not contributing to society and I really don't think I'm doing anybody any good. If I dissapeared, who would care? I'm not suicidal, don't even think that, I'm too chicken, but I am seriously depressed. If I went to a doctor, they'd probably put me on medication, which would just be one more thing for me to feel horrid and depressed about.

What am I doing? Why am I doing it? Well, I better figure it out, because I certainly have precious little time left before I have to come up with something, on my own, me. But then I don't know because I don't know what would make me happy, only that I don't want what would make my mother happy because I don't want to give her that satisfaction because I'm a fucked up 17 year old who doesn't know what she wants except to make other people miserable at her expense! THEN WHY DO I FEEL SO MISERABLE???

I don't know what I expect. Do I want response? Do I want somebody to tell me I'm being stupid? No, not really, I just want somebody to tell me they love me, and I want to believe it. How much is that to ask for? Well, I've been trying my family for years and I get nothing. Apparently it's a lot.

It sounds stupid, but I've come up with it so it's going down. Do I maybe just want to have somebody to live for because I don't want to live for myself? If I were talking to the "Man's Search For Meaning" guy, I'd tell him I can't kill myself because I'm chicken, but I guess if I could, it'd be because I don't see any reason to go on living. What for? I don't care about sucess, and I don't care about money, and I'll be damned if I want to make an impact on society, I think all I really want is to be loved and know that somebody thinks I'm worth having around.

Basically, I'm expendable every place I go right now. Rich could certainly get along without me, so could Brandy, and the show, and all my classes would function without me, there's no place that I'm essential. They're getting me out of the house in a year, so that proves that they don't need me (if you listen to them, they've never needed me because I don't do anything I'm supposed to anyway). Most of my real friends live so far away, they'd never know if I dissapered except that they'd not hear back from their letters. People at school would know, but I'm not making enough of an impact there to make it matter. Who would care? At least in any way more than I care about the WTC and the P? Yeah, see, that's how my loss would be felt.

Sometimes, I wish I wasn't an absolute chicken.

I don't know, probably it would just be best to take this as me ranting, which means nothing. Sound and the Fury- Faulkner and Shakespeare you know. I'd rather live in ee cummings, since feeling is first. Yeah.

Man.

Why?

Cry for help?

I don't know.

Bite me.