30/10/2001 - 7:38 p.m.

Existensial Blues

I feel sorry that no one beleives animals have thoughts or souls, at least, no one in my English class. You can't tell me that any animal is entirely an instinctive creature unless humans are entirely instinctive too. It is then our instinct to crap up the planet, but I think there are few people with me on this- not even me. So, human beings then, are not totally instinctive, so then neither is any other beast. Look at dolphins, look at monkeys, look at parrots, look at dogs, look at mice, look at ELEPHANTS- there are thousands of varieties of animals whom we have chosen to be a part of our intelligence tests. The more we know about their intelligence, the more we know about our own (and that's existensial if I ever heard it). But to tell me that Grendel is justified in killing a ram because it is intuitive, and this lack of sophistication is demonstrated because it will continue to climb a mountain after it's been mortally wounded, and that "It's not being noble, it doesn't know any better," rings only of bullshit. Prove it to me if you want to aruge the point. You tell me that the ram has no notion of vengence when, on the brink of death, it continues to climb a mountain. That's as preposterous as the ram saying that all the people who died at D-Day simply "didn't know any better".

Animals do think, and we know they do. It is a horrific religion based tendancy to seperate ourselves from animals, but damn it, we came from monkeys, so don't try to tell me the monkey doesn't know anything, because then there is no way for us to know anything. We are only a developed form of monkey, which simply means that we do our thinking, creating and destructing on a much larger scale (take Afghanistan, no monkey'd do THAT). However, monkeys can paint, monkeys can talk to us, monkeys could probably rewrite Shakespeare and make it really good (as the joke goes) if we'd simply give them the typewriter to do it with.

So, tell me that beasts don't think, Mr. Gardner, and I see your book in flames (if it were my own copy to do with as I pleased). It is complete garbage not to observe animal studies and see that all creatures have a certain type of logic. After receiving so many elecroshocks, an animal learns not to do something- If electroshock, then pain. I don't want pain. If I don't want pain, then don't do what I've done before. That sounds like a logic situation if I've heard one.

It is simply flora that one could classify under pure instinct. They receive light, they grow. As far as we know, the plant doesn't stop to consider it's growth, or decide to make a change in it's growing style in a pattern any different than that all of its ancestors undertook: grow, conduct photosynthesis, die. Tell me of a plant with freewill, and I'll be intrugied.

However, in the meantime, don't try to tell me that we are different than the animals because we can reason. That's NOT the difference. Neither is speech: ask the whales, they've been talking far longer than we have. Neither is understanding death: ask the elephants where humans got the false tale "elephant graveyard". Elephants will handle the bones of dead elephants, and return to the site of a death even after the body is long decomposed. The elephant knows it will not be seeing that elephant anymore, and they recognise that elephant as their former relation.

Now, tell me with conviction that animals do not have the power to think with reason and intelligence.

I've been fighting that battle internally since English today. It had to come out. It is so disheartening to discover that people have such antique beleifs.

It's been a reasonably miserable day. Maria's mad at me, I don't know why (well, I know I said something, but she took it wrong, and I don't know why she took it wrong), and I don't know what to do about it. I know that she's got other problems on right now, so I think I'll not try to persue it.

Why bother with friendships? No one really wants anybody else anyway. We like to say we need, we like to say we care, but is it really true? I don't think so, not tonight. Not when I look around and realise that no one cares, and there are so very few worth it in return. I know for a fact I'm not worth it, so I end up thinking that when people make the bother, it means something. It doesn't mean a quarter of what I think it does generally. People are only there when it suites them, and rarely then.

I am sick and tired of the show. I know that if I stopped caring, it wouldn't bother me, and I could go home after rehearsals just fine, but as it is, I see problems that can't be fixed, or that I can't fix, and it disgusts me. There's nothing I can do to make this show any better except keep my mouth shut, but when I do that, every single person to walk past me asks me what's the matter. I'm just keeping quiet- would you rather I told you what was wrong? No.

For all that you like to ask, you don't want me to say that I'm bitter and disgusted and jealous and angry and spend a lot of my time crying (YES, ME!) over this bloody show, and you don't want me to give all the reasons, because frankly, you don't want to hear them. Why else do I pour them out to the unsuspecting public here of nights? Since no one really wants to know, I put it out there anyway- not as a forced thing- no one has to listen, it's only here, in case. I would probably be better off if all my bitching were just cut off entirely, but I expect I'd never speak at all then, and I'd forever be telling people that nothing was wrong, but only because I was making nothing be wrong. It would be so much simpiler that way.

Why do people ask when they don't want to know? Because they like to "be proper and friendly". Bollocks! Why is bitching only OK when others agree with you? Because it's communal- existensially acceptable as a comparison and reassurance of the individual's place in the whole (hole). Bollocks! Screw it all!

I'm not looking for condolences, I'm not looking for answers, I just want to say my piece here because there're precious few other places I can say it. I probably can't even really say it here without repercussions.

Why do I get the feeling this is a masked cry for help? I don't want any, but at the same time, I do. Selectively, though. Some things just don't work for me, and right now, moaning to another girl isn't working... but, I guess I haven't much other choice than doing what I'm doing now if I don't whine to some girl.

Sigmund was right.