24/11/2002 - 6:34 p.m.

Choose life.

Isn't it funny how one little thing can entirely wipe out all the goodness in a day? Even when it shouldn't?

Equus closed today. It was more final than Threepenny or Laramie either, it was a definate "finish". You got to say good bye to it.

Though, it's still in the theatre. Some shows remain in a theatre after they finish. For me, Broadway Bound will forever be in the Roosevelt theatre, The Rat Trap will forever be at Hoover, and Equus will be in the BMT. They're still there, in the air, in the boards, just outside perception. I don't know why.

I kept one of the masks. It's up on my wall, pinned to the moulding. Sufficiently eerie. It was Szymon's; the best one.

I'm considering auditioning for Slaughter City. More so than before. Neither of the main stages are so very good- Roosters and To Kill a Mockingbird (kid's show with Richard in it). It bugs heck out of me when they put a professor in a part. Is no one else in the department talented enough, or are we supposed to feel honoured he's in the show? Anyway, Slaughter City I read during the run for Laramie, and it's a good show, but I don't know that I want to be in it. It's a risky show. I don't take risks well yet. I am of the opinion the best role I ever did was my freshman scene with Margot from Agnes of God, I was right on with the acting, but I just didn't feel comfortable doing it sometimes. I didn't know where Agnes was coming from- what part of me.

I'm too guarded with emotion. People see your emotions and they can hurt you. They can hurt you badly. As soon as they know how to make you cry, or smile, they can use that. That's a lot of power to give someone, and I'm afraid of getting hurt because of it. So I get passionately angry. That's my one strong emotion, and I'm not afraid of it, because I know what to do with it. Tears, and fear, and joy, those make you vulnerable. There's no one close enough to make me feel safe enough to do those things.

Which is why I'm locked up in my room in a mix of greif and anger. I don't even feel like discussing where it comes from; it's a terrible thing that has grown in my mind past what it probably was in reality. It doesn't even have anything much to do with me, really. However, it's left me with one resolve:

I am never getting a proper job. Ever. I don't care if I starve to death and go about cold and destitute someplace. I refuse the work-a-day world here and now forever. All of this 9-5, pay you can count on at the end of the week, routine crap can just knock off. I won't ever do it, because when you're getting all your health benefits, and your security, and your children's college paid for, you're getting screwed over. Quietly, slowly, you're getting screwed in ways you can't even begin to understand all to fulfill somebody else's higher bloody purpose.

That's not me, and I won't do it. I will do extraordinary things, and I will do beautiful things, and I will do moving things, and I will do it in my own terms. Because as I exist, there is no reason to do things in anyone elses'.

Life is fair if you make it fair. Life is just if you make it just. Don't let it be anything more than that, and it will be no less. It's your life, your work, your heart, and you are in charge of it. Live that way, and don't let the bastards who would have you live for them get a chance.