24/01/2003 - 12:31 a.m.

Here is a secret I never have told

I am so glad I took that nap. I am in a much better mood now than I was say, ohhh, five hours ago, or even this morning. Things have fallen into perspective over a little sleep, and that's a good thing.

My greatest wish for today did not end up arriving, but I expect that it comes tomorrow. I'm not bothered about it now, and if it doesn't come tomorrow, well, then it doesn't come tomorrow and that's that. Not the same answer I would've given earlier though.

I am going to finish watching The Sixth Sense by myself this weekend. I was trying to explain the whole thing to Mike and he said simply, "It's OK to be scared." And suddenly, everything made sense. It works with all of the stuff I've picked up in two days of acting class, it works with everything I've been thinking about recently, it just works.

Theatre is about taking risks, and no one can do that but you. So I have to be the one taking the risk, which can be a scary thing: seems a scary thing listening to commaedia stories and emotion stories from Acting III and IV. If it's not OK with me to be scared, I'm not going to take the risk, am I? No, because I'll be scared and not liking it. Then I'll end up like Icecube Sarah.

It's not just fear I haven't got, I haven't got any emotions at all. If I sent this diary into one of those review sites, they'd say it didn't have enough of my emotions in them. No kidding. Emotions allow people to hurt you, of which I am simply afraid. How can a theatre person be frightened of emotion? Simply can't do it.

This isn't to say that I need to spend my whole life in the throws of passion, but hey, that might not be so bad. I just need to live to extremes more often, rather than waiting for them to come to me. I've been living my entire life proud that I have no emotions- I don't miss people, I don't get embarrased, I never cry. Although, I don't necessarily have the experiences that warrant those extremes of emotion. But my whole emotional state can be thrown off simply by opening the post box some days. I need more things about which to have post box moments.

So, this weekend then, I'm going to scare myself good and proper and see what happens.

Gretta saw me today and told me that she really liked my call back, but she just couldn't use me in Mockingbird. (That cast list is different from anything anyone expected, I think.) But she basically apologised for not casting me. Standing next to me was Nick, who wasn't cast either. She didn't have a word for him. I mentioned it to him, sort of rude she didn't have anything to say to him, because he didn't get case either. He said that the difference was that I did a really good job.