20/08/2003 - 9:33 a.m.

Will I lose my dignity?

I've been listening to RENT today. I've not listened to it for a while now, so it's like rediscovering the songs. I find this time I'm hearing the words, the story, in a completely new way. This is partly from the thought that Mimi and I are the same age, "but I'm old for my age." I think I'm growing up faster than I intended. It also has to do with a life philosophy that I have forgotten to have.

Last night I was given a great big nasty thought to have to think about. I don't want to talk about it in any specific terms, but if the worst case scenario comes to pass, I could be in big trouble. I don't know yet. I don't know when I'll know anything more than I do right now. Don't worry about me, though, it's not worth it. I keep telling myself not to worry.

Anyway, it sets me wondering if I've gotten myself in too deep with some things I've been doing over the past year. I am not really prepared to deal with the possible consequences of things I do- this problem is proof of that.

At the same time, that's not entirely true. I probably am mature enough to handle my own problems, except for my parents. I've never been able to deal with my parents about things, and should I have to about any problems even close to what's going on now, I won't be able to deal with what they might do. If I could escape from them and deal with my own life, I wouldn't have nearly the problems. As it is, I live in a pretty constant paranoia for any given thing I do about "What if they find out? They'll kill me." That isn't really an understatement.

The thing is, I'm nineteen. No day but today, and all that stuff from the musical. Three years ago, I wanted to live my life the way I wanted to. I was going to take every day and do something with it. I haven't done that, I know I haven't. I've come a long way, but I'm still frightened of being found doing something I shouldn't.

I remember being worried that somebody would tell my parents I went costume shopping with Abby, Ren, and Maria during rehearsals. I sometimes felt guilty staying at Buckeye's house at camp because my parents didn't know I was there. Every time I walk back from the Icehouse I think of places to tell my parents I'd been if stuff from conversations there come up with them. When I went to the fair with Nathan, we left at four and ended up driving around DM until ten thirty: in the back of my mind, I was composing excuses and lies to save my ass if they should find out.

I shouldn't have to do this. The stuff that I'm doing isn't illegal, and most parents wouldn't have any trouble with it, but I don't know what mine would flip out over. Too often I've opened my mouth and said something I didn't know that I oughtn't and gotten into trouble. I don't want to do that if I can help it, so now I don't say anything.

At any rate, this new thing is not good. If it really is the worry that it could be. Man, just imagine if my worry were a super huge problem, like being pregnant or something. I think I'd have to kill myself right then and there.

I've spent the morning calming myself down and convincing myself that there isn't a problem, but if there is, I can deal with it. Hence the RENT, they've got AIDS. They take AZT, which is a nasty, nasty, mean drug. They have things way worse than I possibly could, and they still manage to have a better outlook on life than I do.