02/03/2003 - 11:17 p.m.

When life's a dizzy maze

The week has passed and gone far too swiftly. Very few of the things I wanted to happen in that time actually happened.

I heard from my family the other day; making inquries as to what I was to be doing over the Spring Break. I told them that I was planning going to Chicago with Brandy, but we hadn't worked out the details yet. Not entirely a lie, but they didn't need to know the truth, right? Well, it's just as well I didn't tell them, I've been informed that I'm not allowed to leave the state. Now, they would never know if I left or not it weren't for the fact that if I write a check or do anything not with cash, they know where I've been. And, if I go take out enough cash to cover the whole trip, they'll know as well.

So, it appears I'll be here for that whole week then. They didn't say I had to come home, they said I couldn't leave the state. That doesn't keep anyone coming here either, but somehow, the odds of that seem slim. I'm going to have to give up being idealistic- things keep falling flat.

To say the very least, I'm miserable over this turn of events. As a result then, I have been getting next to no sleep and spent eight hours yesterday cleaning my room and doing laundry because I've finally worn everything but the very best clothes I have.

Now the place is too clean. My desk, which was a happy home to wrappers, empty 20 oz bottles, papers, books, floppy discs, CDs and other miscellaneous shite is now extremely unoccupied. The floor by the radiator is naked without the boxes. The texts and papers scattered over the floor are now retired to shelves where they stand upright and confined. The absence of crap makes the whole room look sterile. Because now, along with looking clean, the room looks bare- it's gone from gently Bohemian to stiffly Spartan.

Well, it won't last. This I have learned from the one or two other times I have ever religiously tried to clean a room- it lasts about two weeks and then it gets back to normal as things begin to build up. With a bedroom, the cursed object of build up is laundry, with a kitchen, living room, or dining room it's dishes, and with a bathroom it's, well, the point of a bathroom is the place to put people refuse, so a dirty bathroom is a very dirty place.

It's new moon tonight. All this evening things have been flitting just outside my vision, just enough to catch my attention and then disappear again. I'm not really as up for it as I thought I might be.

On that subject, I've been frequenting SquirrelX recently, and I find it very peculiar that her accounts do not grip me with fear the way they ought to- given everything that I am afraid of. I think I've worked out why: she's not afraid. She doesn't treat it like something that there's any reason to be afraid of. I find it admirable, but she probably sees it the same way I see talking to streetlamps- that's a part of life.

Anyway, check it out- but start at the beginning of her story. This current entry has the links for the other two included.