14/05/2002 - 5:19 p.m.

I was led to believe there were organisations to kill my snakes for me.

I had an extraordinarily bad morning. I had an almost as bad afternoon. I've mentioned I only sporatically write poetry? Today turned out one of those days. I was in English, supposed to be reading As I Lay Dying, William Faulkner, but I came up with this instead.

I want to throw the pencil.
Want to see it turn circles
Towards the floor;
Lead
Eraser
Lead
Eraser
Floor.
Graceful spiral curving to the floor
Expelling my anger.
Want to feel the energy leave the pencil
Soar
And hit the floor ten feet away.
Want to hear the
Crash.
It's my anger expelled.
All that hate flying across the room and hitting the floor because I can't.
Want to leave it
Lie.
I want to throw the pencil.

The style's probably his influence and the mood mine. How I felt though.

However, I got home and things have brightened considerably. Except I have the class that's sapping my will to live tonight, which I haven't done my homework for. So, who knows, it might get shitty again.

I really don't think that I go to see the negative side of things. Well, put it this way, in my head I'm optimistic- only good things happen and can ever happen. It's just reality keeps proving to me otherwise. It's not worth getting your hopes up sometimes because sure as sure, somebody's going to come along and make things suck.

For example, I hate the reality of Christmas because of my father and his family- they go out of their way to make sure everybody ends up mad at everybody else by the end of the day. However, the Charlie Brown, Night Before Christmas, snow and presents side of me loves Christmas. Can't wait for it, doesn't want it to leave, loves it. In my head, Christmas is perfect, but in reality, Christmas sucks. So, for all most people know, I hate Christmas. I don't, I'm deeply in love with it, but only as an idea. I don't ever have the kinds of Christmas's I would love.

So, transfer that to everything- I get such huge perfect ideals for things and they never live up to them. I know I end up seeming to underestimate the impact of things because they so seldom live up to what I think it'll be like.

Senior year- I spent the last three years of my life believeing that that last year of high school you somehow turned perfect. You didn't have any problems, and things worked great. Well, I was dead wrong about that. This year has sucked. In comparison with what I was expecting. In reality it probably wasn't all that bad.

I guess George Harrison was right- you have to be happy with the problems you have now when you have them.