17/11/2002 - 11:40 p.m.

Such is love.

I shouldn't be jealous of my little brother, should I? So he can act. So I can't. It doesn't matter, does it?

Congratulations are in order to Ren and Maria. In spite of everything they say they believe about themselves, they do marvellously well.

I don't want to go home for Thanksgiving. I don't want to see my relations. I don't want to tell them what I've been doing and smile and make idle conversation about my life. I don't want to listen to comments about "how smart I am now that I'm going to college". I don't want to sit in my uncle's horribly spotless, terribly dull house for seven hours all under pretence that I'm thankful for it or some such nonsense.

I spoke to my mother earlier today, she wants me to come back because everybody keeps asking her whether I'll be back or not. Why should I? That would mean that I cared for any of them.

My grandmother broke her hip about two weeks ago. It doesn't do anything to me one way or the other. It's not something I think about, it's not something that makes me feel bad. It's just something that happened and I don't care. Is this wrong of me? Am I supposed to care?

They call it love, or something. Most people love their families unconditionally. I don't. I don't hate them. They're like aquaintences. I'd hold a conversation with them if I ran into them in the grocery. Wouldn't go out of my way for them.

That's what love is. Love is when you're willing to go out of your way for someone else, and your appreciation for them doing the same for you. Everything else is simply a part of that. Love is stopping being so damned selfish for once in your life for the sake of something else. Love is searching through bookstores for hours to find a book someone mentioned once that they wished they had a copy of. Love is worrying about someone else's well being, and hoping beyond hope that they feel happy. It's as simple as that.

And if your family is made up of the people you love, none of my family are my blood relations.

However, I respect my relations. I know what they have done for me, and understand how great a debt I owe them which I will never be able to repay. Love is not a payment for that debt. Pride is the payment. It is trust that I'm doing something with all I have been given. Trust that good decisions will be made that can result in pride. This honour has to be two sided.

Love, however, can be one sided. Respect, then, is the more complicated of the two.

Ideally, then, in certain circumstances, the two go together. Hmm, they do: To love, to honour and to... well, to obey is stupid. Obey is ancient chauvinism. But the first two, those are the important ones. Not just when you're talking marriage. I love a lot of people, I respect a lot of people. The number of people who receive both my love and respect is pretty few.